Author: Lauren Farina-Prieto, LCSW
It's no secret that the holidays can trigger symptoms of grief for those we've lost. Part of what shapes our expectations of future experiences is past experiences. For those of us fortunate enough to have experienced the beauty of the holidays in years past, this time of year might trigger those warm, fuzzy memories. Consider my favorite definition of a problem as the gap between reality and expectation. When our reality falls short of what we hope, or expect life to be, we experience distress. In the wake of the loss of a loved one, therefore, the holidays may amplify our sense of loss, and the feeling that something is missing. This phenomenon widens the gap between reality and expectations, and it can leave us feeling even more bereft.
I often tell my clients that the art of managing overwhelming feelings is in the balance between allowing and acting. The first step in coping with any uncomfortable emotion, and most especially grief, is to allow it. What we resist, persists, and the more we deny or avoid our grief, the more dominant it tends to become. Instead, let the grief wash over you. This is critical because unprocessed emotions are stored in the body, and will act up in myriad ways to catch your attention (think chronic illness). I recommend the following exercise for those struggling to feel their grief: Set a timer each day to allow yourself at least 10-20 minutes to lean into the grief. Look at old pictures, read birthday cards, or watch home videos. The grief is a part of you, but it is not all of you. Once you can allow it the expression it seeks, the grieving part will eventually step back.
This allowing phase could take days, weeks, months or even years. There is no "right way" to grieve, no rules or deadlines. Once the grief has been acknowledged and processed, then one is empowered to act, usually by a shift in mindset. When my mother passed away in 2016, I had a choice: I could be defined by my grief, or I could integrate it into my whole-self identity. The most powerful perspective that I sought, and continue to embody, is the following: I didn't lose my mother. How could I ever lose her, when she is a part of me? Instead, her presence was simply transmuted. Recognizing this truth allows me to embrace the duality of the holiday season: the bittersweet reminder of how much I miss her, alongside the profound gratitude I feel for the ways she touched, and continues to touch my life. Consider ways to connect with the presence of your loved one in the now: make their favorite recipe, decorate a part of your home in their style, or simply sit back and honor the love that still lives in you. Perhaps you will find that your grief is transformed into gratitude, too.
Healing from grief is not a straight path; it is one that ebbs and flows. The joy of the holidays becomes available to us when we can learn to integrate our grief as a part of us, and a part of life, and experience it alongside the beauty that life, and the holidays have to offer.
Lauren Farina-Prieto, LCSW is a clinician and founder of Invited Psychotherapy and Coaching, a private practice outside of Chicago, specializing in helping high performers embody their highest potential.
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